Are you or am I really strong!

There is a adamant self fulfilling pseudo confidence that I know everything, & the attitude that I am successful, when we do an MBA or when we achieve something in life & careeers. We may be CEOs MDs, Chief Ministers, Presidents, Doctors etc ., & what not! I have seen the confidence everywhere in almost every person including myself.

This generation for that matter throughout the history of Mankind, this bunch of confident guys rule the world or their own worlds, irrespective from where they started & with what they started.

The whole point of dicusssion is all about the confidence gathered througout the life of a successful person. Yet there are moments in life which make them feel so powerless, so weak.



I happened to feel such kind of moments in my life too infact more than several times. The loneliness always kills when you are really alone, but it buries you when you feel loneliness among the crowd, & it sets you on fire when you are alive and feel lonely among your family & friends! I slept quite early on that night & there was a downpour of heavy rain with full of thunder & lightenings.

The noise of the rain drops fading away, the lightining scenes slowly not visible to my conscious mind, I slept. I see the same same dark pictures in the night. Heavy thunderstorms, the noise of the raindrops clearly audible, as if I am really awake. I see a a man on a scooter, switching off its headlights so that it does not awaken me. He is approaching my room with the intention to steal or to kill. He tried to reduce the noise the scooter is making, so that I can continue sleeping. I am scared. I am all alone. Yes the same loneliness is haunting me even in my dreams.I realize, noone is beside me. I am alone at home. I sense his approach, I can feel his movements through the glass doors in the ligtning background.

Now I am gathering strength & telling myself that I am going to prepare for a fight with him. Alas, I cannot open my eyes they are crushed under the burden of this dream. Scaring me more, I cannot move my hand an inch. I am trying to gather my whole strength,what God has bestowed upon me, just to move my hand by atelast 1 inch. I fail to do that. Finally I want to atleast shout for help, to no avail. I vaguely remember my fight with my own self for 15 min at the door step of death & finally succeed to open my eyes.

A sense of relief about the personal victory of opening my eyes, hearing the sounds again & moving my hand. It was a nightmare. The man was not real, neither his scooter was. I dont know about his intention to steal or kill but what's real is the feeling of my loneliness. My head was heavy, heart was void, soul was empty.All of a sudden my past success, my wealth, my strength, my power seem to be too small infront of this nightmare. I could not sleep for the next one hour thinking, that a nightmare has made me feel so powerless, what about the people who see nightmares in broadday light. It made me ponder for a while, what actually is success & what actually is strength which are relative terms.

Apologies for using the below poster-size portrait of the Afghan Girl without the permission of the photgrapher Steve McCurry,taken in 1984 in an Afghan refugee camp.

Quote:

Her eyes are sea green. They are haunted and haunting, and in them you can read the tragedy of a land drained by war. She became known around National Geographic as the "Afghan girl," and for 17 years no one knew her name.



Her name is Sharbat Gula, and she is Pashtun, that most warlike of Afghan tribes. It is said of the Pashtun that they are only at peace when they are at war, and her eyes—then and now—burn with ferocity. The eyes flash anger.

She cannot understand how her picture has touched so many. She does not know the power of those eyes.

Such knife-thin odds. That she would be alive. That she could be found. That she could endure such loss. Surely, in the face of such bitterness the spirit could atrophy. How, she was asked, had she survived?

The answer came wrapped in unshakable certitude.

"It was," said Sharbat Gula, "the will of God."

Unquote:

In her answer, I got my answer by the time I completed writing this blog.

To read more about Sharbat Gula, visit http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2002/04/afghan-girl/index-text/1
Source: National Geographic website.

Santhosh Kumar

I dont sit in my chair anymore, so does my friend!

What a good status message I read from one of my old friends.

"Strangers become friends and friends are becoming strangers during the same lifetime"

Its not that I am blaming my friend or I am blaming myself neither it is restricted to my experience. Its the same all over, everywhere & almost with everyone. I have no topic, no words to talk to my old friend. Silence seems to prevail even though we know each other how Important is he/she to me and how Important I to her/him. Whats the invisble wall which is distancing? Is it the "Ego" ? or is it something else. Still I have intention to continue our friendship, still the same is the case from my friend. But something restricts!

Unknown easiness was there earlier, where conversations sailed smoothly hours together with no content at all! Implicit acceptance of mistakes,was there ealrier, where you can talk wahteever you want, least bothered by where you are walking together during the blabber! Unconditional strength was there to laugh & smile together, no matter what the situation was!





Where have those days gone? where have those friends gone? where has gone that friendship? I am sure this is felt by everyone as the life takes head on, & as the days pass by!

Or simply put it in other words, have I grown old enough??

Is anybody listening?

Isn't it sad that my chairs are empty now --my friend does not accompany me & I dont sit in it either!




Santhosh!

Where is my Toothbrush!

A strange thing happened today in my washroom & I am very sure its very common, you & others will also feel the same way as I did.

My mind asked me, "Where is the toothbrush?" spontaneously I started searching for it with least amount of bothering to what I am holding in my hand. My mind kept asking em repititively, "Where is the Toothbrush". Suddenly I realize I am actually holding my toothbrush in my hand, yet I am searching for it. Is it a patheptic state of my mind or myself?

You might have felt the same way for keys or spects or files or may be something else atleast once!

I spent sometime wondering " How my mind made me feel tense by asking such a simple & silly question". I am still aloof with my conscious for sometime thinking how my eyes simply started searching for it without realizing for what I am looking-is actually in my hand. I imagined, if this ia one a odd case, where I have made quite a small observation, then what would I do unknowingly, when thousands & thousands of queries are thrown by my own mind which may be trivial & silly? Now expanding my question bank to others like my family, my relatives, my friends,office mates, neighbours- all ask questions & yes majority of them are irrelevant. Yet I think & ponder over them wasting my precious energy and time.

Millions of Questions lie with me to answer:-

"Where am I spending my energy?
Where am I spending my life?
Where am I heading?"

Now I slowly realize one more thing. If I utilize my mind as a tool, to make myself believe what I want belive rather than what my eyes see (or unseen), rather than what my ears hear(or unheard), rather than what my family, friends & others say(or unsaid)!If I can do this, I can think & remain positive irrespective how harsh the life is & irrespective of how worse a circumstance is !



I seek some clarity, can anybody throw some light please!

See my list of queries is expanding & let me stop here now.

Santhosh Kumar.

You are a Gift- My Gift!

Have you ever wondered why God sent you to earth? Have you ever thought if you were not a human being, what you would have been? If this sense of life existence in any other form, can you be sure/conscious of your existence?

What all is predetermined for you in this life, like parent, sibling, life & death are already planned, what else can you decide for yourself? Life-partner? Life-style? what else?

Survival of the fittest by Charles Darwin, what does it suggest? Does it suggest that your struggle is a part of bigger group? Does Luck play a chance in our lives? Surely it played its part prior to this Life, thats why this Life given unto you. Does it play after this Life?

I feel privilegded to ask these queries to myself atleast! Life, Family, then materialistic acquisitions, then new relationships, then successes & failures what not are bestowed unto you for your happiness & growth. The above is just a speck of imaginable gifts and the rest is the actual infinitely, unquoatble,uncountable, inexpressionable, unimaginable gift.

Are there queries answerable, if yes are they verifiable?

My life is a gift, I myself am a Gift and I thank Lord for presenting the same and I thank you my dear friend for making my feel what I am today and you are my inspiration for making me feel my life as a Gift! Thank you once again.

Regards,
Santhosh Kumar.

The He-man behind the Hu-man!

One step ahead I want to move,
The world advances one thousand miles!!
I was busy understanding "Life" ;
What I see- I am at its fag end!!
The race I chose to be in,
Left me with a "VOID", Void of my Life!
Void of my relationships,
Void of time - even for my own "Self" !!

When God asked me:
Purpose of my life and what was it spent on,
I was left with a "Void" answer!



God Said:
" My dear child, this life was given to you, & I wanted you to grow as a "Hu-man":, You wanted to grow as a "He-man"

which made all the difference my dear child"

- Santhosh Kumar.

Half an Hour Heaven!

Invariably everyday my driver comes at 8:20 AM & we go through the same route daily. Without much conscious effort, as a routine my eyes browse through the business newspaper to catch a glimpse of an inch the world has moved in last 24 hours.

Market melts on global cues, monetary policy fears,Ford India gets aggressive on small cars,Cane farmers blame Pawar for sugar crisis are few of the main headlines which managed to catch the attention of journalists,businessmen,reporter,editor &
finally the reader & its me - on Jan 28 2010.If I look back at my car journey for the entire year,& the newspaper reads the same news throughout the year blaming someone else, same news with different persons or different companies, with slightly
different figures and of-course different dates. But the matter & the essence will be the same. Stock market melts, sometimes bounces back, one celebrity today had an affair, the other next day;richest man is someone today, someone else has taken his
position some other day,biggest blockbuster of the year, highest international grosser breaking all time records,all of them,all the news pieces are same throughout the year adding more garbage in-terms of information & also newspapers.Only three persons have benefited because of this news, one the person who was published in the paper got instant fame or hogged limelight for whatever reasons, second the publisher & the third the newspaper seller who sold this newspapers today made some buck & earned his living for today. I am really not benefited by any such information directly for years.

I apologize if I hurt sentiments of people who are avid newspaper readers & the publishers too who by their perspective are enlightening the society by providing the right information to the common man. My motive is not being critical of the
publishing industry. At times when I really am not interested in reading rather the right word I use is "browsing" the newspaper, I happen to peek out my window and gosh- What I see! Beautiful green lush fields with glossing sun rays reflecting from the waters of some fields and the huts acting with dual purpose as Home and security for the paddy fields. I see few workers planting the saplings, and some of them spraying the fertilizers in the early morning. These workers make the most of the day by starting early in the morning & breaking from the job early in the evening & spending the most valuable asset called LIFE with FAMILY. The landscape is covered with full of green plants & I can find the all the shades & textures of green which I can imagine of! wow !!



As I am getting mesmerized by the greenery, few intermittent real estate plots & their signboards put brakes to my dreamlike drive. Suddenly I am brought back to normalcy and soon after few more yards I can see beautiful coconut farm just beside the main road making me envy of the owner.If I had such a beautiful farm, I would sleep in the farm & have bed coconut water every morning instead of bed tea or bed coffee! The power with which this sight is pulling my imagination is overcome by a
sudden brake applied by my driver & What I see, a farmer suddenly crossing our car with towel as his pagdi(turban) & is driving his bike wearing a lungi. How close I am to nature and how true form of people I am seeing. I am privileged to have seen such sights & I thank god for that. I am really fed up of seeing the artificial smiles, hypocritical faces & plastic nature in the metro cities when I used to stay the first 25 years of my Life.




Nature is raw, people are true & I am lucky.This half an hour has completely taken me to a different world like the Alice in wonderland. If that was not enough as my summer pleasure, rainy season here in Nellore took me to heaven. The sight was much more beautiful with drops of rain falling in bundles & thick black clouds covering almost whole region with no sight of a sun ray.For the next 10 KM the sight is same and a pleasant surprise awaits .I see ray of light at a distance & slowly the intensity of rain disappears in the next 10 KM stretch.I realize that in this part, there is not a single drop of rain. And far away ahead 10 KM roughly, I can see the thick black clouds pouring the waters like cats & dogs & I wish I had been in school, I tried giving this precise reason of rain to bunk it and stay at home. Alas I am grown slightly big enough that I cannot use such reasons.





Anyhow what makes me wonder is such a beautiful experience I never had in my life in a metro city or simply realized a little late in my life. I remember I used to enjoy rain, seeing the drops continuously falling, small river like flow of water gushing out of gates & the paper boats I used to make along with my brother in childhood. What I did then was simply peeked out of the window always, when it rained and today I realize how less I do that!

Santhosh Kumar.

Note: To view more pictures, please visit my orkut album.